I don’t get my period anymore and I love it…

I don’t get my period anymore and I love it…

That’s all I wanted to say.

Just joking. But really, it’s heavenly.

And no, I haven’t gone through natural menopause yet.

I am on continuous, very low estrogen birth control. And, it works for me right now. For my body, and all it’s been through, this was the best choice. No more flooding, clots, excruciating pain or passing-out. No more gut-wrenching elimination issues, painful cysts, etc.

Thanks to this medication, I was able to complete a 2-year, full time,            8-courses-per-semester college diploma. Something I wouldn’t have dreamed of getting through before. Sitting in an chair all day and eve, being that tired and that stressed out would never have been possible for me on top of everything else. But I did it, and did very well. I am tired and recovering now. But, with a sense of accomplishment.

I also finally got my full G drivers licence. I am not a fan of driving in Toronto, and prefer to walk when possible. But again, I would never have made it through that, with all the pain before. Another accomplishment.

I can lift weights again, and challenge my body more with intense workouts, sometimes.

I’ve been able to think about other things than my diet, my pain, my hot packs and my beloved Advil.

Without the overlapping rhythm of my hormonal cycle I am now more able to be more in tune with the lunar rhythms. I also feel more connected to my inner Wise Woman- a deep, stable inner strength and infinite power that only felt fleeting before.

I cherished moving through the phases of Maiden, Mother, Enchantress & Crone through each month. But, it was tumultuous and damaging to my body. So now, I enjoy it mainly on the psycho-spiritual level, through the moon phases from a more stable, reflective place within myself.

Most importantly, I can be a better mom and partner now. I can listen more intently to my daughter and be more present for her through her tween and teen years. My partner and I can be active and travel now. I hiked around Machu Picchu and trudged through the amazon jungle with him. We can be more spontaneous, and I feel much more free.

Yes, there are side effects and risks like with any medication. For me, they are manageable and worth the benefit right now. If I died of an extremely rare blood clot tomorrow, I would have died with no regrets. For some, this may not be the case. And it is every woman’s right to decide what’s best for her. Everyone is unique. And can change their mind, and know that what they feel they need now may change one day and that’s ok.

I will never shame anyone for the choices they make for their own health and well-being.

We all have our own healing journey.

As an advocate for living in tune with nature’s cycles, for womb-love, womb-health and being in touch our natural rhythms- it took me a long time to feel ok about getting back on the pill. My doctor recommended it when I was suffering but I politely declined as I pursued the all-natural route, determined to heal my disease this way. After all, there were a bunch of naturopaths and herbal product creators I found online that insisted it was doable, and preferable. I tried the diets- eating specific foods for each phase of my cycle, the endo diet, anti-inflammatory, vegan-low-, glycemic, paleo-ish. I followed each diligently for many months over several years.

I did herbal infusions and tinctures, homeopathy, bodywork, shamanic healing, energy healing, prayer, etc. All part of my healing path, and helped in their various ways. But my disease was quite advanced. And the root of the problem was still structural. Cells laid down in the wrong spot when I was forming as a fetus. Excess uterine-like tissue in places it didn’t belong, responding as it should to a healthy immune system attacking a foreign invader. My tissues were fighting a losing battle, and required the big guns.

Every menstrual cycle became a traumatsing roller-coaster ride. Like those old rickety ones that don’t feel safe. And it was constantly on the go, gradually wearing away at the tracks, the wheels, the cars, and falling apart.

The best thing for my body was to stop the menstrual roller coaster altogether. My expert surgeon performed an excision, the gold standard treatment to date for endometriosis. Afterward, he told me I had stage 4, very severe disease, and removed all he could. He strongly suggested I suppress my periods or the endo will likely grow back and I will be in another surgery in 5 years or less.

I tried a progestin-only medication which caused constant spotting and other issues, so I needed that bit of estrogen to stop it. Got a new prescription and success! And here I am almost 4 years later, and still pain free. My physio is happy with where my tissues are at, too.

I don’t have endo pain to talk about anymore. But, my relationship with my body is still a dynamic, ever-challenging thing. It is still my path of learning and growth.

But now I am more capable of helping others.

So I am here to help you too, if you need it.

My mission with Willowroot Healing Arts is to take all of my lessons and learning and help you navigate your unique journey. Supporting you with all I know, continue to learn, with fierce compassion and devotion.

I will continue to call out pill-shaming that I continue to encounter in the holistic health community. Capitalism and health don’t mix well, and while many practitioners point out the evils of ‘big pharma’- and yes, there’s lots to complain about- but there’s a lot of capitalistic lies and greed in holistic health business as well. On top of that, a general stance of shaming towards people who take pharmaceutical medication for their mental health, womb health, or just in general. How is this any better than being shamed for taking the natural route?

This attitude doesn’t uphold true wholism- if our mind, body, emotions and spirit are all integral aspects of our health and we are social beings- we need to take all of this into account- such as physical limitatons, social limitations, financial limitations, trauma history, privilege and equity issues, and focus on the most important thing to the client at this time. The more options, the better.

Also, I’m just not into shaming. Nor taking sides.

Sometimes people need something natural. Sometimes people need something pharmaceutical. Sometimes both, or different things at different times. Often, we don’t really even have a choice because of financial limitations, or other accessibility issues.

My wish would be that we could see the necessity of all branches of medicine and respect each other’s sincere desire to be well and make our own decisions based on our own experiences.

My path is not your path. But if your goal is to be well,  I will support you in that goal, taking whatever path you wish to take.

 

 

It’s Ok to Sit This One Out. Choosing Your Battles..

For Type A’s, and those with chronic illness or mental health struggles: It’s ok to sit this one out. It’s ok to just walk away sometimes.

We don’t have to be all out, all the time. We don’t have to fight every battle we are invited to. We don’t have to prove ourselves to everyone who demands it, especially our own shadow. Sometimes we just need to be with our pain for a bit, or let it go. Do what we need to take care of our self.  

One of the most repeated lessons that comes up for me, is knowing when to fight and when to put down the sword.  Sometimes, we have no choice- for some people, especially those more oppressed and marginalised, battle is necessary for survival on a daily basis. And that can be exhausting. For some people, maybe the more Type B personality, or relatively healthy people who struggle with procrastination and lethargy-  good kick in the pants is the right thing.

But, often for those with chronic illness or mental health struggles- self-care is a matter of conserving much needed energy- and sometimes choosing not to fight is the best option.

It may not even be a fight or a battle- just something that requires a lot of our energy- and we need to check whether it is worth it or not. In the last few years, probably thanks to my chronic pain, and innate perfectionist, Type A nature, I am much more keenly aware of how I am spending my energy and whether it is worth it. My body usually tells me the answer through pain, fatigue, or just feeling ‘not myself’. For someone like me- who likes to be active, participate, experience life in as many ways possible, having chronic pain is a real bummer. And so is being an introvert, and a Highly Sensitive Person. Different parts of me are often at cross-purposes, and I need to make a lot of quick micro decisions to keep myself healthy and well. I am sure some of you can relate.

Asian woman with samurai sword on the nature

I find as I get older and wiser about myself, I note the things that use up a lot of energy, and the things that aren’t worth it. Perhaps you’ve heard of the ‘Spoon Theory‘…

The ‘Spoon Theory’ is an analogy those with chronic illness and mental health struggles use to describe to others the limited energy they have, and how going through the motions of simple daily tasks may exhaust and deplete them compared to an average person. It’s pretty simple- ‘spoons’ are a measurement of energy. Some people have more spoons than others. Each task throughout the day requires a certain number of spoons. Some of us run out earlier than others. Some tasks require more spoons for us than others. For one person, taking a shower and going grocery shopping takes up half the day’s spoons. For someone else, it barely makes a dent in the number of spoons for the day. They have plenty more spoons to spare.

Another example, someone may find 6 hours of sleep a night enough to replenish all their spoons. Often those of us with chronic illness/mental health struggles need at least 8 and often more.

Even if we don’t have a chronic illness, I think it is wise to be aware of where our energy goes on a regular basis and honor our own limitations. For instance, lately I have been paying more attention to the nature of my thoughts- I notice my mind has been very busy running around in all directions and how draining that is on my energy. I notice that when I dwell on negative thoughts- past, present or future oriented- it takes up a lot of spoons. So, I am experimenting with catching those negative/fearful thoughts early on- and if they are unproductive for me, I try to move that energy into a productive course of expression. I might do a breathing exercise or do calming visualisations if I am in public.  if I am home, beat my drum, write it out on paper. I also like to use aromatherapy or physical exercise to calm and ground myself. Often, I find my spoons get saved by doing these things.

What about political/social/spiritual/interpersonal conflicts? What about those battles we fight- for ourselves, for loved ones, for those people and causes we care about? Sometimes, it can be extremely draining to try to explain or educate someone on your point of view when you don’t have many spoons left. Especially if that person is highly unlikely to see things from a point of view other than their own and/or simply wants to fight with you for some personal reason. It can also be very depleting if something someone says triggers us, and we go into a deeply wounded place inside of us or have trauma flashbacks.

This can happen anytime, with anyone. It an happen in person with family or friends, or with friends or strangers online. Online is where things can get dicey- because we don’t have the nuances of face to face contact. For me, online conversations take way more spoons than face to face conversations. Because, trying to convey a thing in writing, in a way that is clear, takes more energy for me- and I value the physical and emotional impressions and connection that we glean in person or even through a phone conversation.

With family and loved ones, there are deeper, older strands of emotional baggage to move through, and that can take a whole day of spoons if we don’t know where our line is.

So, I try to check in and see if this activity or battle is worth engaging in. We can ask ourselves:

How many spoons do I have left right now?

Is this battle/activity worth it?

Is it a productive use of my energy?

Will saving some spoons now leave me more for a future time when I can deal with this more effectively?

Is now the best time to handle this?

Is there another option here I haven’t considered?

What would happen if this time I just walked away?

What would happen if I said that while I care deeply about this issue, or this person, right now I just don’t have the energy and that’s ok?

Give yourself permission to be strong yet passive. To care, but rest. To take care of it all by doing nothing.

To hide so you can replenish and emerge anew.

We don’t have to be all out, all the time. We don’t have to fight every battle we are invited to. We don’t have to prove ourselves to everyone who demands it, especially our own shadow. Sometimes we just need to be with our pain for a bit, or let it go. Do what we need to take care of our self.  

My mantra is to be kind to myself. Its simple but it saves me spoons.

Words from the Womb…

This is the post excerpt.

Welcome to my blog. It is a compilation of personal experience, observations and questions relating to embodiment and womb healing- what does it mean to be embodied? How does trauma affect our ability to be embodied and what is its impact on our womb health? What is ancestral/intergenerational trauma? What is the Sacred Feminine? How does oppression and social conditioning affect our relationship with our body? What about past lives? What does it mean to have ‘our issues in our tissues?’  Exploring the relationship between ourselves, our body and nature. The Sacred Feminine. Mother Earth and Patriarchy. My perspectives come from awareness of the interplay of mind, body, emotions, spirit, cosmos, society, oppression and The Great Mystery. Love and respect to All Our Relations.
Thanks for reading!